Near the end of last year, a couple of young filmmakers walked around
a university campus and asked people one question: can men and women be
just friends?
Something interesting happened. All the women said “yes, of course,”
with dubious looks on their faces as if the answer was obvious. And yet
every man responded with some variation of “no, you cannot.”
The video went viral, spawning the platonic friends debate in cafes
and bars alike. The parties, more or less, fit into two categories. One
person would say “Of course you can, we’re not children, what a stupid
question,” while the other maintained that “it’s more complicated than
that.” Let me begin by clarifying that I am of the “complicated” party.
You would be accurate to argue that this video made by college
students does not necessarily count as a scientific, psychological study
yet nevertheless its evidence proves beyond a doubt that male/female
platonic friendships are impossible. I would agree with you. The small
size and narrow age group sampled does not give us enough empirical
evidence, but that’s not really the point. What this video does do,
however, is provide interesting insight into the difference between men
and women’s thinking.
One of the common reasons why men believe that it is impossible to be
“just friends” with women is the sexual attraction issue. If you are
attracted to someone who is either a good friend or a best friend, what
is keeping you from pursuing something more? The men interviewed in the
video admitted that, if given the chance, they would “hook up” with a
girl who is a friend.
Perhaps one explanation (albeit a strictly reductionist one) may be
that women, biologically speaking, seek out security and comfort when it
comes to male friends or partners. To be surrounded by supportive,
non-threatening individuals is considered healthy and important. On the
other hand, men (while still desiring comfort and support) are
biologically created to “spread their seed,” to put it crudely. This is
not to say I wholeheartedly agree with this possibility; I am no
scientist myself, but perhaps this is one aspect that should be kept in
consideration.
In an article titled “Strictly Platonic,” Pamela Johnson relates
platonic male/female relationships back to the original Greek
philosophical concept. Put glibly, she says “you either don’t have the
hots for the other person, you pretend not to, or you reroute the energy
into conversation.” Based on my own personal experience, this claim
seems mostly accurate. Of all my friendships with men, there has either
been a point where I considered the possibility of romance, or he did
(whether that was strictly based on attraction or a greater admiration).
Again, my personal experience alone does not suggest some wider truth,
but rather indicates that cross-sex friendships tend to be more complex
than same-sex ones.
The complexities in cross-sex friendships is explored in the Journal
of Social and Personal Relationships in the article “Cross-Sex Friends
Who Were Once Romantic Partners: Are They Platonic Friends Now?”
Schneider and Kenny admit that “the potential for sexual attraction [is]
a challenge that men and women face in a friendship between them.”
According to one study, 53 percent of males and 31 percent of females
admitted that they started a friendship with the hopes that it would
turn into something romantic (Kaplan and Keys 1997). It was also found
that “a majority of men and women reported wanting to be more than just
friends at one time with their opposite-sex friend” (1997).
As these studies suggest, opposite sex friends sometimes consider or
act on sexual or romantic desires, thus complicating the friendship.
This does not mean that every friendship a man has with a woman is
fraught with sexual undertones; indeed, it is possible for two people to
be friends without anything romantic ever occurring. The complication
that I mean to point out is the “just” friends part. If one individual
is in a relationship, or if the hangouts occur within a group, the
chances of anything “complicated” happening are less likely. Yes, men
and women can be friends, but the trajectory of that friendship will not
always be so simple as “just friends.”
Originally published in Mars' Hill, March 1, 2012
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